23 January 2019

Refreshing

When I started blogging, I was in my 20s.  Had just gone through a divorce from what I assumed would be my only marriage.  Was just starting to show signs of Multiple Sclerosis.  My bestest friend was still alive.  Now I’m happily married to the man I have been with for 17+ years.  MS symptoms are my norm and no longer stop me dead in my tracks while just walking.  CynDee has been gone for 12+ years.  Life changes.  We move beyond the overly dramatic younger years.

I remember shredding my teenage diary last year.  It felt good.  There were happy CynDee memories there.  Silly boy dramas.  Serious stuff like going to court to face my rapist.  Etc.  While that is all still a part of who I was and how I got to be me, it was time.  Shredding it all felt so good.  I’ve just done the same sort of symbolic shredding here by deleting everything but the RIP Dutchie post.  There were some posts I would have liked to keep, but I honestly didn’t feeling like sorting through years and years of posts to decide what was worthy and not worthy.  So it all went bye bye.

I don’t know what I will do with this space now.  I’m trying to be healthier so I may just post my FitBit stats. Maybe I will still post my art though I haven’t really practiced that since Dutchie cat left us.  Missing my not so helpful “helper” has been like missing my muse.

Anyway whatever I do here will just feel like a new chapter with all of the old noise gone.  I had a lot more of a presence online back then.  For all I know this is all just for me now.  I’m okay with that.  Back when I started if no one were reading, I’d have felt weird.  Now I just don’t care.  I don’t need an audience anymore as I’m much more at peace with however things are.  Totally adulting in that way.  And a big kid in others.

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